Walking by faith, not by sight.

So tired.... i woke up late today. Because I seriously do not have strength to wake up today. I was crying till very late at night again. God did a healing yesterday in my life but somehow I am aware I am still in the stage of mourning. Haha still need to cry somemore.

Two days ago, God began to reveal to me that He wants to heal me from the 12 years of rejection from boys( who have turned into men now) Indeed, I guess God wants to do a deeper healing and renewing of mindset in this area.

Since young, I have always felt a sense of rejection from men. Perhaps, this was due to the fact that my papa and brother did not know how to speak the language of love i truly desire. And when I reached 13, the first boy i fall for, is a boy who rejected me badly due to his immaturity to handle this area. The subsequent guys I fell for, indirectly made me feel rejected in one way or another.

Yeah in fact, I am always in and out of rejection because there was a root in my past that was not dealt with. So I had several tea sessions with the evil one, rehearsing my rejection over and over again. Almost every encounter, during the session, faith to heal our wounded soul and every time in the past, I will always receive healing and restoration from the past rejection.

Over the years, God has been slowly nursing my wounds in areas of rejection from the past. And I still remembered those days, I would cry out to God, asking why would He allowed so much rejection in my life. But He will led me to remember how His son was rejected so much, when people spat at him, when people crucify him which was the worst kind of rejection anyone could receive. It just comforted me to think that Jesus had overcome the world for us and that we can live.

Truthfully, like it or not, we will always have to constantly be subjected to many forms of rejection every now and then. I guess it is the constantly walking with God to be assured by His grace and mercy for us so that we will not be defeated.

I came to accept that its all about taking up the cross and walking daily with Him. Relying on His strength everyday and to brave through all odds against us. Indeed, just like Pastor Khong says, it is totally impossible to live a Christian life...if not for His grace who is sustaining us day by day, moment by moment.

I really do not know what is God trying to show me here, but all I know is to continue to believe that He will see me through everyday despite I have the slightest clue where I am heading.

But still anything that Laopa did not mean for us to go through, Laopa will turn things around, what satan meant to destroy, Laopa will always rebuild. The greater the struggle is , the more Laopa will use it for furthering His kingdom once He see us through.

Therefore, that gave me the strength to live through each brokeness and rejection He allowed, because He will use all these to bless many more broken hearted whom could not see their worth in Christ.

Haha indeed I know I am not given a gift of pastor and prophect for nothing. I know this breaking has to continue in order to accomplish His purpose later. One thing I know all these circumstances of brokeness and rejections were not be in vain, at the end, it will glorigy Him in one way or another.

Although as broken I am, surprisingly I still felt so much peace and joy of knowing He is in control and with me. Hmmm i guess this is enough to sustain me.

Psalms 139:24

Search me O God, know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, Lead me in the way Everlasting.

Spiritual Giftings

Recently, Fione passed me a spiritual gifting test. Just did a test of Spiritual Gifting Discovery test. Hahaha guess what is my No.1 gift ? Haha... its the gift of Pastor as the highest gifting. Then followed by, Prophect, Apostle, Evangelist, Exhortation and Discernment.

Hmmm.....do this test: www.cforc.com ( this questionaire is filled with 110 questions hahaha pretty detailed and long winded)

Thank Laopa for all these giftings..... now that explained why I can be so chong hei haahah.... talk and talk and talk.... thank God no such thing of gift of talking.... hahaha or else it will sure be my no.1 gifting. hahaha..cos that was what veline thought so. My gifting is talking. hahaha

The Peniel Experience

Hmmmm..last week i went through tabernacle and sanctification week . This is actually my fourth tabernacle experience. However, I am thankful that I always drink gao gao of Laopa peace and presence.

This is for the benefit of those who are reading this and do not understand sanctification week. The church i attend conducts sanctification week every year. Sanctification means to be set apart and made holy by Laopa. So every year, our church will dedicate a week for us to go through certain teachings and then to allow God to do a work in our lifes.

Initially, I wasnt looking forward to the Sanctification week but I was simply awed by the experience God granted to me. Initially, I saw a vision of a nail pierced hand, the thick nail piercing into the flesh. That vision stayed with me throughout the sanctification sessions.

It was only till the final night, the vision grew clearer when we were partaking the Holy Communion. All these while, I always tell Laopa that I want to understand the immensity of his suffering at the cross, in order to understand more of His grace for us. In other words, I want the revelation of the cross.

So I began to utter a prayer and ask Him to show me more. Shortly after, I saw a vision, instead of seeing Jesus nail pierced hand, this time round I saw mine instead. I saw a very thick nail piercing right through my hand. Ohh mann..... when i saw that, I began to understand a little of how Jesus felt when the nail was pierced right through His hand.

I knew the Lord showed this vision to me about my hand being pierced, not that I will literally be nailed next time. But He just wanted to show me a little of how it feels like to be nailed.

Seriously no one in His right mind will desire to go through such suffering. But then He did it for us still.

When pastor actually asked us to partake the bread and the cup,I stared at the cup for some time. For the first time, I really felt it is the Jesus blood that I am drinking.

I am guilty of His nail pierced hands...

After the sancification week, my gers and I went to the Tabernacle. This time round was a totally different experience unlike the past ones. For the first time at the Holy of Holies, I felt His presence and peace so strong that I told Laopa that I just want to reside in the place. Hahha indeed I finally grasp a deeper meaning of How David felt when He wrote Psalms 84.

That says, How Lovely is thy dwelling place? Lord, God Almighty my soul even yearns and faints for the courts of the Lord. Hmmm..... indeed I just knew that was Holy Ground that i was residing in. I just wanted more and more of His presence dwelling in me. I am so glad I rested in His peace and it was all I need.

Hahah what amazed me was the time at the Lamp stand, before I could say anything to Laopa, He just told me that He knew my desires. Hmmm indeed, isnt it written in the bible that, before a prayer is uttered, He knew what are we going to say. Yeah, then it was the warning from Holy Spirit not to doubt His words. So I claimed them all by faith!

So here I am here delighting in the Lord and awaiting my desires to be granted in His timing. Still, I hunger and hunger for more of Him each day! hahaha not much I can make myself feel better, except slowly live a day at a time with Him.

One sentence that speaks to me most is this : The average person is being crucified between two thieves, the regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow. Consequently, he can't enjoy today.

Yeah lets not fall into a trap of looking into the past and fretting about tomorrow. Lets just enjoy the moments with Laopa today. Because He promised that we are renewed inwardly everyday.

Brokeness

I felt so broken again. Indeed this journey is such a lonely journey for me. So many times i felt so alone with no one to understand me. I really feel that this is a time no matter how much i try to communicate sometimes, people still misunderstood. I believe this is a very unique journey with Laopa. I felt that i find it so hard to communicate to people around me and no one seem to understand what i went through.

Today, my heart ached so badly that i grieved so badly. I know this kind of pain did not stem out from any disease. However, this was a pain of brokeness.

I think after so much I have been through. so much brokeness and weakness i have gone through, i only managed to catch a glimpse of what Jesus went through at the cross. Compared to what Jesus went through, this is really nothing but yet I already feel so painful. When facing persecutions from all areas, Jesus never open his mouth. That was what he respond to any accusations and persecutions.

The magnitude of suffering He went through, is really so much more that what i went through. Imagine the tremendous loneliness that he has to bear, when he was separated from Laopa, that unbearable 6 hours of separation, when He who knew no sin took all our sins upon Him and died on the cross and went through that 6 hours of separation from God. That tons of condemnation and shame and all kinds of ugliness is seriously too much for me to imagine.

Therefore, do i feel comforted in going through this brokeness now? Knowing that Jesus has done and suffered much much more that what i went through.

I always think it is not the physical suffering that He has to bear that aches His heart so badly. But it was actually having separated from His lovely father because of the sins He bore for us. This is the utmost suffering that He had to bear and that pains Him the most.

Going through the season of wilderness last year and even now, there were so many times i felt the Lord has forgotten about me, or He has forsaken me. Even just now, when the sense of loneliness is so strong, because i felt that He has forsaken me. But still this is nothing compares to what Jesus went through. Perhaps that enabled me the strength to go on.

All I know is that i hunger and thirst for more of His presence in my life. All i know is that i need HIm more and i really do not want to turn back just want to dwell more and more in His place.

Indeed i began to understand, better is one day in His courts that a thousand elsewhere.

I know i have made the right choice to follow Him and then to share in His suffering and in His blessing as well.

I pray that my heart will continue to be tender, though poor in spirit yet leading a I cant do without Jesus life. I want to continue to stay weak and broken, so that I will always allow Him to reign in my life. It is really ok to be weak, because His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

How can I live without you? Please do not forsake me. I need you so badly!!

I know that out of this journey, will come a stronger and faith driven sharlene. Knowing that God saw me through this season of wilderness, though how hard it was, but He never let me go once.

Brothers and sisters: Please remember me in your prayers.

A song that never fails to comfort me:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fears is gone.
Because I know I know He holds the future. and life is worth the living just because He lives

Grace and Mercy flowing freely from the Throne

I am touched by God's grace on Friendship special. It has been more than a year since i am asked to help in directing skits. Hmmm... thank God for that cos I truly love to be in the role of directing. So when I first about there was going to be a skit at the Friendship special, I thought of volunteering myself to help out. Hmmm... haha due to some procrastination, i did not go to them.

On Wednesday, I received a msn from Candy asking me to help them in directing one skit for the event. Haha as usual i agreed. So on Friday, i took up the role. Haha frankly speaking i have the slightest clue what to do. However, due to my ID personality, it seems like i have the slightest problem. I just surrender and told God to reign.

It was not an easy task for me to handle because we only had one day to start and to end and furthermore i hardly know the casts who are acting.

But thank God He always never never fail to work for the good to those who love Him. Having to experience and witness so much of His faithfulness in these drama performances, I just know that i needed to surrender to Him and give Him full control over the whole situation.

Flashback... in 2002, when i had my first evangelistic event, hmmm i decided to write a skit on Meteor Garden but in an English version. So i spent tons and tons of time to watch the show and put together certain interesting scenes but yet with evangelistic content into the whole script. Really thank God for the creativity, come to think about it i also donno how i had the strength, tenacity and capacity to do that. I was involved from birthing forth the script, to directing and all the way to preparing backstage and logistics stuff. I still remembered those times of staying at Ah peng's place and do the sound effect with Esther for the skit. Dao Ming Si 's voice and all those fighting sounds...

Then in 2004, i had my second skit performance at TP international student cultural nite. Hmmm again, its bao ka liao, from preparing the script to all the way to acting and directing it. Hahah , all thanks to one whole bunch of actors who plough with me.

Then i suppose the most challenging ones were at Cambodia. On top of all those roles i have to assume, there were the intense spiritual warfare to fight and pray. But still....

Nothing beats after all the season of ploughing, seeing people raised up their hands to receive Jesus into their lifes and seeing actors' lifes transformed because of this. Yeah, perhaps that was a passion that God has planted in my heart. To use drama as powerful tool to reach out.

Yeah Drama not only can touch the people watching the show, but also people who are acting. I remembered all i did was to gather my actors to pray and ask God to reign. And it always work!
No matter how i want to plan it and try my best, nothing beats the actors encountered God themselves.

Coming back, as usual God's faithfulness was evident in the Friendship special. And my actors who were very apprehensive initially before the performance, all performed so well when they start to surrender to Him, the director of all. I truly believed the skit spoke to many youths out there.

Yeah through it all, all Glory be unto HIm and His grace sustains all of us.With that five loaves and two fishes( broken talents and dreams and broken spirit), we offer up to God, and He will always turn things around!

I encourage whoever is reading this, never give up on anything you are struggling, but hang on! Because if you go read the parable of Jesus fed the five thousand, something that touches my heart deeply is when after Jesus fed the five thousand, there were still 12 basketfuls of fishes and bread left. That only goes to show one thing, God's grace is more than enough for us!


All I can say, if God is for us, who can be against us?

Heaven and Hell is so real!

Yesterday, while we were at Ah Peng's place, i finished reading a whole book that consists of revelation from hell. It took me around 3 hours to finish reading it. I was kinda overwhelmed by the different revelations of what hell look like. The author describe how the Lord brought her spirit down to hell to visit the different parts of hell. While she was looking at each soul that has past the point of no return, she was devastated and awakened by the realities of hell. Since i am a visual person, pictures of what she describe hell to be flashed across my mind.

Ever since i am a Christian, God always led me to read Daniel or Revelation. And i truly believe these are the last days we are living. It is evident by the rumours of war, and wars and natural disasters taking place. Sometimes, i would ponder why am i still doing the things and tasks i am doing, when i should be busy reaching to the lost before it is too late.

I really do not know what would be like during the last last days, but all i know that every trial that i am going through now, is to mold my character. So that when the true persecutions come in, I will not deny Jesus easily.

I went home crying to Laopa to soften the people around me hearts and all i can do is to ask God to use me by offering this broken spirit and a contrite heart to Him. Indeed, the Lord reminded me that all these stuffs i am doing , is truly chasing after the wind. Nothing matters except truly drawing closer to Him each day.

There is really no more time to waste, God is in fact rising up a chosen generation ready to stand in the gap and evangelise to the lost. A chosen generation that will stand firm even at the expense of sacrificing their lifes, this generation will stand firm till the end.

I truly pray i will not miss the mark, at the end of the day i will fight that good fight! Because i know when Christians pray, the evil one has to flee. When Christians rise up, many people will be ushered to the Kingdom of Heaven. The Lord is always waiting for people with a broken spirit and a contrite heart, people who dare to make a difference, people who understood the grace which was demonstrated on the cross and people who simply know what it means to follow God and not turn back.

I want to be in that Chosen generation.

Reaching out to the "I not stupids"

It has been a long time since i log on. Nowadays, I am just too tired to even log in, somehow i have cultivated a lifestyle of sleeping early and waking up early even on Chinese New Year.

Our family has a tradition of watching movie on the first day of lunar new year. As usual, we went to watch I not Stupid too. Basically, I never missed any of Jack Neo's movie. Because i find always so impactful and educational. It always touched on the very recent sensitive issues that happened in Singapore.

I can never forget certain scenes in the movie, it just left my a big burden for the broken youths. It is such a sad thing to see the society's cold shoulder towards these kids. How they are being termed as hopeless individuals. And how they were despised by everyone. I was just wondering, if only kids like them know Jesus. They would not have to suffer the inferiority complex and chose a path that just simply lead to destruction.

Hmmm...... "gan chu liang duo" after a simple movie like that. Indeed, God always use movies to teach me. I remembered watching Alexandra the other time. I walked out of the place realising the fact that youths can be such powerful weapons either for God or the evil one. Perhaps teenage years are the most fragile stages in life. If they are imparted with the right values, they will really make such great differences. On the other hand, if they are imparted with wrong values, these values will stay with them until they are old.

Watching movies like that always make me even clearer of my desire and passion. It has always been my desire to touch kids who feel utterly hopeless and inferior about themselves. Perhaps, I was once like this before, therefore i can easily identify and feel for them.

i still thank Laopa for this desire that He has given me. I pray that when one day, God call, I will respond to this calling and will not fall short of His glory.