intense suffering

Something veri terrible happened yesterday. And now I feel so wounded and crushed. I have no more hope, no more strength to fight and nothing left. So defeated. I have no more strength to encourage anyone.

Its so painful that i cried and cried and cried. Thought i was going mad and yet crying out to God what to do,,, cos I really have no more strength i am so so tired. So tired of everything.

My leader ask me to think rationally and dont allow the evil one to come and destroy me,,, but i have no more strength to fight. Felt so defeated and need God's healing ....

Being a christian for so many years, never have I experienced such intense brokeness compared to what I have been through last year till now. I am suppose to rise up and move on.... but I have no more hope to do that.

I know this brokeness has to go on. I remembered a brother once shared with me... he saw a vision of an arm which is working very hard and each time the muscle over stretched itself... there was some room for rest for recovery... but as soon as the muscle of the arm recovered... the arm is stretched again.... this arm is stretched almost to the max... in order to build more muscles. And the brother told me my season will be of that arm... whom God will stretch...until its broken,,, and allow me to heal for a while... then stretch again. God wants to build strong muscles in me so that when adversities hit... I will not fall...

But at this current moment I have used up all my strength... i have nothing... it is a fact no one will understand.... it has proven no matter how I shared.... people will just throw funny comments .,... I know this is not pride from me. It is just God who allow all these .... so to rely totally on Him

Now all I can do is ask Him for help .... what else can I do.... no hope...totally broken before Him... i cant see what is ahead...... even no strength to even pass today. Tears streamed down even at this very moment i am typing these words.

But what can I do? when no one understand... I am so hard pressed and so persecuted... in the midst of this despair... out of a sudden a familiar verse rang in my head...

We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned. struck down but not destroyed.

God ! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you allow those evil men to prevail? Why ? Why? Why? I have nothing.... Help me!

A broken spirit and a contrite heart you will not despise. See me through... help me win the battle.. cos I have no more strength to fight.

Desperately seeking the face of God

Throughout these few weeks the Lord has showed me some stuffs pertaining to my heart. I was just sharing with my buddy Ah ling, the other day that the Lord showed me my greatest desire and interest at heart.

All along, I have this drama dream, dream of opening a drama, theatre company one day so that by making use of this platform to reach out to more broken hearted people who never tasted of His great love. I remembered I had this dream in year 2003. But facing the fact of no skill sets in this area and no open doors to enter.

My dream died, circumstances forced me to think that all these were not possible. People around me gave me a blank look each time I shared this dream. Simply because this is too big a dream and people simply did not know how to respond to me.

For 2 years, I have been asking God why. While seeking to find out that answer, God was also using those brokeness to mold my character. Every broken situation that He allowed was to make me more like Him. (Extreme brokeness is tasted when you acknowledge your own mistakes and desperately seeking for God's grace and mercy upon you. )

It was not until ... few weeks ago, one day, while I was walking back to my office, the Lord revealed to me about my greatest desire. I remembered Laopa told me that it is not drama that I was interested but it was the people behind the production and the many hearts that will be touched by the production. I have witnessed how the casts or the audience are simply touched by a production and regained confidence in the Lord.

When the Lord said that, it began to dawn upon me, that this is my greatest desire. No wonder I found such great joy when ministering to people. Because I was having a heart to reach out. And my greatest desire is to really do this full time. I am simply wired to be interested in people, in their problems and see how I can help them. Sounds like such noble job, haha but it takes a lot of brokeness and humility to hold on to this desire. But still I wish to hold on to this desire.

Since my heart is for broken people.(That also explains why God is still breaking me) I realise I do not want to waste any more time dreaming. I want to work towards the dream. I have decided that I would like to pursue a qualification in social work that will lead me to where my dream could be fulfilled.

Now I know what he meant by new dream. He wants to give me a dream that honours Him. This new dream doesnt matter whether it contains drama or not, but one thing I know it contains the broken hearted people. It contains the love of God, a love that stems out from John 3:16, that says He loved the world, a joy of salvation.

I have given the Lord a blank cheque.This cheque entails my committment and my life. A cheque that symbolises my surrendered heart to Him. I really do not know by doing so, what lies ahead. But if a bankrupt, broken, bowed heart is all that He approves of, I will present this cheque to Him. Because all I want is to please Him.

When no one to rely on, no one understands, I still want to cling on to the promise that you made, Fear not my child, I am with you.

Because of those words, that gave me the strength to face what is ahead!

Er Mo Zai Shen Bian.... photos... such compatible and kawai couple!! Su go iii!!

God i want to reach out to such good looking people hahahaha......

More than Conquerors

It has been a long time since I blogged. Apologies to those who has been faithfully reading my blog. Thank God for granting me eventful experiences. Went through G12 Conference and felt that the Lord has taught so many golden nuggets of truth. Best thing, I bought a book by our beloved spiritual great great grandmother Ps Claudia. Felt simply refreshing meditating on the truths she shared over in the book.

I guess i needed the fresh touch from Laopa when He revealed His cross to me at the conference. Prior before the conference, I had a supernatural experience with Laopa, one night i experienced the revelation of the cross.

During the conference, I also had the same experience. God brought me back to the scene where Jesus was crucified. The scenes of people shouting, crucify Him were ringing in my mind. I began to wail so much and shake uncontrollably. All I knew in my mind, its the experience of His love simply overwhelmed me. He need not choose the path if not for me. Even there is only one me in the whole world, He will still choose to die on the cross.

I am so priviledged of knowing Jesus, unlike so many people who are still searching for engagements to fill up their void and emptiness in their lifes. I actually hold the secret to salvation. The secret of being hopeful and joyful and eagerly awaiting for the day when I will reunite with Him.

Unlike all other past conferences, this conference is based on the theme of running with the vision. The vision of being a disciple maker and serve the nations. I am thankful I brought back strategies to work towards my dream.

At the conference, God also told me to surrender my broken dream to Him. It was then I realise I have lost my dream for some time.It was the vision that all my close friends still remembered but yet I have lost it. Perhaps it is due to the past 2 years of breaking sessions, that I allowed disappointments and fears to set in.

I told the Lord, I do not want to be afraid anymore. All these while, I held on to my fears, fearful that my girls will not grow, fearful that God will not bless me, fearful that I choose the wrong way. Indeed Ps Claudia say that only slaves fear of failure. That was what happen to Saul, because of fear, that ruined him and drove him to kill David.

Yeah I am glad I was once reminded by Laopa, that I am His annointed, veri veri baobei daughter not slave. But a rightful heir of Laopa.

Now that I have experienced this spiritual awakening. My greatest desire is to teach my girls the way Laopa teach me. Teach them to inherit the blessings of being a daughter and lead a victorious life.

Do you want to be a daughter or slave? I dont know about you, I want to be His daughter whom He will call me blessed and which He could feel so proud of just seeing me.

I pray I will be a good spiritual mother to my children. Able to love them as Jesus loves. And I pray He will bless me with 12 whom the Lord can use mightily to further His kingdom.

my ultimate Hope

Folks, who are constantly reading my blog out there, apologies for taking so long to post one. Reason been quite busy lately, haha went through quite a fair bit of events. Haha especially was on a 70 episode journey into Da Chang Jin's life. Simply amazing and inspirational story which I have learnt so much from this show. I am glad that I can still be so sensitive to Laopa's voice even watching a secular show like this. Hee. Stay tune for the lessons learnt there in the show.

Come to think about it. As long as our walk with Laopa is steady and our hearts are tender, God can use absolutely anything in our life to speak to us. Simply because He allowed or created all these things or situations in our lifes for a purpose to learn His values.

Putting this aside....

Recently, something has been lingering in my mind and causing me to reflect and ponder over my attitude. That is, this thing about some people around me see me as someone who have an ulterior motive. Haha... it seems like what they interpret me as someone who says certain things harbouring certain motives. And this came from people whom I have a heart for and love.

I used to seriously cannot take what these people say and felt extremely upset over their remarks and their judgements towards me. Yeah often, I felt so suffocated over their remarks and their judgements. As in why do they look at me like this?

Over the years, the Lord has taught me so much in this area. I am someone who can easily forgive people, simply because I know it is not right to harbour unforgiveness towards someone and that the effects of unforgiveness will allow the evil one to creep in and destroy my relationship with Laopa.

Therefore due to this fact, i can easily forgive people. But my problem lies in not having the tendency to process my hurts after being judged by them. Yeah, but thanks be to Laopa who always lead us to triumphal procession, He has taught me a fair bit in handling this area.

Of course it is natural tendency to feel hurt when people pour those false comments on me. But each time, I taught of Laopa who never open His mouth when all the false comments and persecutions were upon Him, even when people spat at Him, and all his disciples denied Him.

Everytime I thought of this , I know Laopa allowed all these to prepare me to be stronger and rely Him more so that next time, when the real terrible persecutions set in, I can tahan and yet thank Him for his mercy and grace.

Yeah i used to think why do people around me will see me in this way? I guess this is due to my gifting lah. my gifting of prophectic annointing. People never really like to hear truth because sometimes truth usually hurts their pride. And God allowed all these to happen because in order to be His mouthpiece, I need to learn to not care so much of what other people think of me, and just do His will, even at the risk of misunderstanding from people.

Yeah I prayed for more boldness and courage to do His will.

Reflecting on Brother Yun, in Heavenly Man. One thing that touched me alot, this man understood so much of Laopa's grace even after going through so much persecutions and to the extent of shedding his blood for Jesus. Having starved and tortured for so many days, yet though his body was so torn and his organs are giving way, though facing all the physical pain, he did not deny Jesus and still filled with joy in his spirit, and to think he actually thank the Lord for giving him a chance to bear the persecutions for Jesus. To suffer for Jesus. He felt such a priviledge to suffer for Jesus.

I know it is not this man's strength that sustain him. But the God behind him which gave him the supernatural resurrecton power to contain a thankgiving spirit in the midst of tremendous suffering. It is the mighty hand who carried him throughout all ordeals and adversities and the same mighty hand who carried Jesus to sustain the cross.

Yeah because of this same Hand, I have the hope to live through each small or big suffering. This ultimate hope will carry me throughout the days of my life until I meet Him again. I still want to thank Him for what I am going through because no matter what He will not leave me.

Flu attack!

Ever since my last blog, Flu bug has been bugging me badly. To the extend, i was in "coma" for 2 days haha. Contracted fever and flu and whole day I just fell into a coma and only managed to wake up for my meal time. But still nothing beats the time when I was vommitting, having fever and diarrhoea at the same time when I was in Cambodia. Hahah thank God for His mercy, this time round not so jialat. When I looked back, simply amazed by how Laopa saw me through that time, 39.3 temp, vommitted and diarrhoea at the same time. Haha how did I even survived? I really thought I was going to die then.

After my last blog, I received several msn from people who showered concern towards me. Haha i guess folks out there who have read my blog seldom see the weak side of me. Yeah indeed I seldom share what I was going through in 2005. The very fact that life wasnt a bed of roses for me. But I am still very thankful and rest assure I am still gripping by His grace and mercy everyday. It is through 2005, that I grow stronger and learn so much of the position as a precious daughter not a slave.

Yeah felt a need to assure my readers out there, I am ok just showing you guys a different side of me, but I have not backslide or whatsoever. Though life seems quite tough at times but Laopa is always there, never leave me nor forsake me. That gave me the courage to fight everyday victoriously. Hehe..

Anyway, I would like to thank Laopa for people whom have read my blog felt encouraged and those who are praying for me right now.

Thanks!!!!