Brokeness

I felt so broken again. Indeed this journey is such a lonely journey for me. So many times i felt so alone with no one to understand me. I really feel that this is a time no matter how much i try to communicate sometimes, people still misunderstood. I believe this is a very unique journey with Laopa. I felt that i find it so hard to communicate to people around me and no one seem to understand what i went through.

Today, my heart ached so badly that i grieved so badly. I know this kind of pain did not stem out from any disease. However, this was a pain of brokeness.

I think after so much I have been through. so much brokeness and weakness i have gone through, i only managed to catch a glimpse of what Jesus went through at the cross. Compared to what Jesus went through, this is really nothing but yet I already feel so painful. When facing persecutions from all areas, Jesus never open his mouth. That was what he respond to any accusations and persecutions.

The magnitude of suffering He went through, is really so much more that what i went through. Imagine the tremendous loneliness that he has to bear, when he was separated from Laopa, that unbearable 6 hours of separation, when He who knew no sin took all our sins upon Him and died on the cross and went through that 6 hours of separation from God. That tons of condemnation and shame and all kinds of ugliness is seriously too much for me to imagine.

Therefore, do i feel comforted in going through this brokeness now? Knowing that Jesus has done and suffered much much more that what i went through.

I always think it is not the physical suffering that He has to bear that aches His heart so badly. But it was actually having separated from His lovely father because of the sins He bore for us. This is the utmost suffering that He had to bear and that pains Him the most.

Going through the season of wilderness last year and even now, there were so many times i felt the Lord has forgotten about me, or He has forsaken me. Even just now, when the sense of loneliness is so strong, because i felt that He has forsaken me. But still this is nothing compares to what Jesus went through. Perhaps that enabled me the strength to go on.

All I know is that i hunger and thirst for more of His presence in my life. All i know is that i need HIm more and i really do not want to turn back just want to dwell more and more in His place.

Indeed i began to understand, better is one day in His courts that a thousand elsewhere.

I know i have made the right choice to follow Him and then to share in His suffering and in His blessing as well.

I pray that my heart will continue to be tender, though poor in spirit yet leading a I cant do without Jesus life. I want to continue to stay weak and broken, so that I will always allow Him to reign in my life. It is really ok to be weak, because His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

How can I live without you? Please do not forsake me. I need you so badly!!

I know that out of this journey, will come a stronger and faith driven sharlene. Knowing that God saw me through this season of wilderness, though how hard it was, but He never let me go once.

Brothers and sisters: Please remember me in your prayers.

A song that never fails to comfort me:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fears is gone.
Because I know I know He holds the future. and life is worth the living just because He lives