Walking by faith, not by sight.

So tired.... i woke up late today. Because I seriously do not have strength to wake up today. I was crying till very late at night again. God did a healing yesterday in my life but somehow I am aware I am still in the stage of mourning. Haha still need to cry somemore.

Two days ago, God began to reveal to me that He wants to heal me from the 12 years of rejection from boys( who have turned into men now) Indeed, I guess God wants to do a deeper healing and renewing of mindset in this area.

Since young, I have always felt a sense of rejection from men. Perhaps, this was due to the fact that my papa and brother did not know how to speak the language of love i truly desire. And when I reached 13, the first boy i fall for, is a boy who rejected me badly due to his immaturity to handle this area. The subsequent guys I fell for, indirectly made me feel rejected in one way or another.

Yeah in fact, I am always in and out of rejection because there was a root in my past that was not dealt with. So I had several tea sessions with the evil one, rehearsing my rejection over and over again. Almost every encounter, during the session, faith to heal our wounded soul and every time in the past, I will always receive healing and restoration from the past rejection.

Over the years, God has been slowly nursing my wounds in areas of rejection from the past. And I still remembered those days, I would cry out to God, asking why would He allowed so much rejection in my life. But He will led me to remember how His son was rejected so much, when people spat at him, when people crucify him which was the worst kind of rejection anyone could receive. It just comforted me to think that Jesus had overcome the world for us and that we can live.

Truthfully, like it or not, we will always have to constantly be subjected to many forms of rejection every now and then. I guess it is the constantly walking with God to be assured by His grace and mercy for us so that we will not be defeated.

I came to accept that its all about taking up the cross and walking daily with Him. Relying on His strength everyday and to brave through all odds against us. Indeed, just like Pastor Khong says, it is totally impossible to live a Christian life...if not for His grace who is sustaining us day by day, moment by moment.

I really do not know what is God trying to show me here, but all I know is to continue to believe that He will see me through everyday despite I have the slightest clue where I am heading.

But still anything that Laopa did not mean for us to go through, Laopa will turn things around, what satan meant to destroy, Laopa will always rebuild. The greater the struggle is , the more Laopa will use it for furthering His kingdom once He see us through.

Therefore, that gave me the strength to live through each brokeness and rejection He allowed, because He will use all these to bless many more broken hearted whom could not see their worth in Christ.

Haha indeed I know I am not given a gift of pastor and prophect for nothing. I know this breaking has to continue in order to accomplish His purpose later. One thing I know all these circumstances of brokeness and rejections were not be in vain, at the end, it will glorigy Him in one way or another.

Although as broken I am, surprisingly I still felt so much peace and joy of knowing He is in control and with me. Hmmm i guess this is enough to sustain me.

Psalms 139:24

Search me O God, know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me, Lead me in the way Everlasting.